Sawyer the Lawyer

I was in the nurse’s hostel in bed with Maria (my trousers were neatly folded over a chair, in a stain-free environment). Suddenly there was a piercing scream from the room next door, followed by a shout of “Help! Rape!”

Maria pushed me off her, yelling: “That’s my friend Fiona!” Fiona screamed again, even louder. “She’s being raped!” said Maria, almost screaming herself. “Do something!”

I leaped off the bed and started to put on my trousers.

“There’s no time for that,” said Maria, and she could well have been right because Fiona screamed again and this time her scream was strangulated.

I put my trousers back over the chair and rushed to the door dressed in just my police Inspector’s tunic and hat. As I stepped out into the corridor the door to Fiona’s room burst open and a man shot out and legged it down the corridor. In the meantime Maria had got out of the handcuffs which had fastened her to the bedpost and joined me. “After him!” she screamed, pointing at the fleeing man.

I gave chase, but with no intention whatsoever of catching the man. I was supposed to be a policeman so I’d have had to arrest him, which was a route I most definitely did not want to go down. But now up ahead of me the man slipped on the polished floor and in falling banged his head on a fire extinguisher and dropped unconscious to the floor. I tried running on the spot for a bit but Maria wasn’t fooled and urged me forward. I reached the man just as he began to come round. Maria looked expectantly at me. What else could I do? “You’re nicked, Sunshine,” I said, with every intention of escorting him off the premises then telling him to piss off out of it quick.

But Fiona’s screams had been heard by others, amongst them a nurse who was entertaining her boyfriend, who is a real policeman, and who now turns up on the scene with him. He very soon recognises me as the impostor I am and he arrests me for impersonating a police officer.

Naturally the law firm of Nesbitt, Nesbitt & Anderson get to hear of all the above and they’ll have to let me go. I am now jobless. My disgraced parents throw me out. I am homeless, bereft, and ……… I woke up in a hot sweat and turned on the light. It is 2 a.m. I don’t sleep again all night, thinking about it.

Sawyer the Lawyer.


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