Settling Down
“Why is there a policeman’s uniform in your wardrobe?” asked my mother, suspiciously.
Her question took me by surprise and all I was able to come up with is that old stand by of the guilty, “What?”
“There’s a policeman’s uniform hanging up in your wardrobe.”
How did she know that? Obviously she must have been snooping in my bedroom. “Why were you in my wardrobe?” I asked, accusingly.
Mother does long-suffering better than Oliver Hardy. She did it, then said: “How else do you think your clean and freshly ironed shirts get put on coat hangers and hung in there?”
Not snooping in my wardrobe then. And she still seemed keen on knowing why I have a policeman’s uniform in my wardrobe judging by the “Well?”, accompanied by an inquiring cock of her head. Inspiration arrived. I gift wrapped it in a lie. “I hired it from a fancy dress shop. I’m going to a fancy dress party.”
“Fancy dress party? I thought you didn’t like fancy dress parties.”
It was time to play my joker. “I don’t. But it’s one of the things I’d like to do before I settle down, in case I’m missing something.” The magic words ‘settle down’ worked like a charm.
The question ‘When are you going to settle down?’ coming from Mother’s lips is one I’ve heard many times before and with increasing frequency the closer I get to age 30. I am of course settled down in my eyes, and have been settled down for the last 26 years, but my mother’s interpretation of settled down differs somewhat from mine and involves leaving home, getting married and producing a couple of grandchildren.
She smiled at me and said: “Make sure you don’t lose your deposit.” What? What was she talking about, I told her I’m going to a fancy dress party not standing as a Green Party candidate at the next General Election. She saw my look of confusion and explained, in her mother hen manner. “If you return the policeman’s uniform in less than pristine condition you could lose your deposit, they’re very fuss like that. So if you do happen to get a stain on it let me have it and I’ll give it a blast with my Friend.”
Aren’t mother’s wonderful.
Sawyer the Lawyer