Happy Chippy
Merry Christmas! As I have no one to cook for me and have been unable to get a Christmas dinner for love nor money I decided to kill two birds with one stone by checking up on the other six Chinese chippies in our area to see if any of them are any better at frying fish than the Crispy Cod, the object to get my fortnightly fish supper back on track if Mother and Father ever deign to come back from Hartlepool. I’ve just got back. I thought at first that the Chinese chippies might be shut for Christmas but then realised that this was very unlikely as the Chinese are heathens so far as Christianity is considered. Then again you don’t get too many Chinese businessmen turning down the chance to make a pound or two, Christmas or no Christmas, and so it proved to be.
The first chipshop I tried was named the Happy Chippy. The ‘Happy’ must refer to the chipshop’s owners, not the customers, as there is nothing for their customers to be happy about if their fish and chips are anything to go by. The fish, it must be admitted, was no worse than the fish to be had from Crispy Cod, but it certainly wasn’t any better; however the chips were even worse.
I decided to eat my meal ithere and then as I am aware that fish and chips don’t travel well and I wanted to sample the food at its best, so I ate it outside the shop. Having sampled the fish and thrown the rest of it in the rubbish bin, wisely placed there by the chipshop’s owner I should imagine, I attempted to pick up a chip. Quite impossible. I could pick up about six chips, consisting of the chip I’d picked up plus another five chips stuck to it, and this I did. If I’d had another hand I might then have been able to hold the bag of chips whilst prising one of the chips from the other six but as I haven’t I had no alternative but to hold the bunch of six chips in the air and take an inelegant bite out of it. The fact that the chips were congealed together should have told me that this might not be a rewarding experience, and so it proved.
They were undoubtedly the worse chips I have ever tasted. I’ve never bitten into one of those balls of fat that people hang up for birds but it couldn’t be any worse. The chips quickly followed the fish into the rubbish bin.
Still hungry, after having had only a bite of a fish and maybe a couple of chips I had to buy a kebab from the Greek place next door (also heathens apparently). Including the fish and chips it cost me £9.20. I’d knock it out of next week’s board if I paid any.
Merry Christmas?
Sawyer the Lawyer
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