Sawyer the Lawyer

I’ve decided to start looking for a job in the Lytham-St-Anne’s area. It makes sense because I’ve got to find a job somewhere and if that somewhere is Lytham-St-Anne’s it will solve my housing, dining, cleaning and washing & ironing problems at a stroke.

So when Mother announced that she and Father are going to Lytham-St-Anne’s to look at house I decided to go with them. Our house isn’t sold yet but Mother wants to get some idea of the prices being asked there for suitable accommodation. I want to get some idea of what Mother deems to be suitable accommodation as I’m not living just anywhere.

On the way there we detour through nearby Blackpool in order to give Father ideas for his next Lego project after he’s completed the Blackpool Tower. He’s already done the Pepsi Max Big One and the Big Wheel so his options are somewhat limited. He decides on the Central Pier before I put him off the idea by pointing out to him that a pier would be just like the Tower laid on its side and he might just as well make another Tower. Mother called me a spoilsport.

We continue to Lytham and after we’ve looked round three houses it dawns on me that something is terribly wrong. All the houses we’ve looked at have one bedroom. I point this out to Mother. She replies that of course they have only one bedroom, they’re looking for a one bedroom house. I ask her where I’m supposed to sleep. She says that she and Father had presumed that I’d be finding a place of my own. I tell her it is a presumption that is ill-conceived. Mother shrugs and says well that’s the way things are.

We carry on looking at one bedroom houses. I offer to pay board and lodging. Well things are desperate. But despite this gesture Mother says that she and Father had rather got used to the idea of living alone so thanks but no thanks.

I am being left by my own parents! We’ll soon see about that!

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I’d heard that there are people whose hobby it is to visit houses in which it’s claimed there are ghosts, in the hope of seeing one, but I’d never met any such people. On Saturday I met six of them.

I usually go out around eight on Saturday nights so I only just caught them, when Mother came tripping in with them, a bemused expression on her face. She had previously been surprised that a Mr and Mrs Barclay wished to view the house at 8 pm, as by that time in a Saturday night most people are usually settled down for the evening or off out somewhere. She must have been even more surprised when the Barclays turned up on the doorstep with another two couples in tow, hence her surprised expression.

Well then, this is the living room, says Mother vaguely, waving an arm like the Queen.

Very nice, says Mr Barclay, after only the most cursory of looks around. Like the log effect fire. He indicates his companions. By the way this is Mr and Mrs Beech and Mrs and Mrs Doyle-Davidson, fiends of mine. They’d like to watch.

Watch? says Mother, no doubt thinking it odd, as I did, that anyone would want to watch someone being showed round someone else’s house.

The Grey Lady, says Mrs Doyle-Davidson, in a hushed tone.

The appearance of the Grey Lady, affirms Mr Beech, equally in awe, then glances at his watch. Is it time for Casualty yet?

They couldn’t have given a toss about the house! All they’d come for was a sight of our ghost. I suppose what must have happened is that the people who I told we had a ghost had blabbed about it and a couple of ghostwatchers in the shape of Mr and Mrs Barclay had got to hear about it. And had now presented themselves using the pretext of viewing our house as their calling card.

By now Mother was more bemused than ever. Grey Lady? What Grey Lady?

Well I must be off, I say, springing to my feet and leaving her to it.

Sunday morning Mother asks me what I know about our house having a ghost. I claim complete ignorance. Well what else could I do?

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