By Way Of An Introuction
My hands gripped the lapels of my gown in the time-honoured fashion, I looked from the jury to the dock, eyed the defendant with all the distaste I could muster, which is considerable, then turned slowly back to the jury. Their eyes were riveted on me.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” I began dramatically. “You have heard expert witness testify to the effect that the mortal knife wound was caused by a sharp upward thrust with the murder weapon to the heart of the deceased by a left-handed person. Bowing to their superior knowledge in this matter, the Prosecution does not refute this. It is beyond a shadow of doubt. You have further heard that the defendant before you is right-handed.”
I noted that this last remark brought a smirk to the face of the defendant. He wouldn’t be smirking for very much longer. I continued: “That the defendant is right-handed is not only the contention, under oath, of the defendant himself, but also of his father, his mother, his twin identical brother – similarly right-handed – and several ……acquaintances of the defendant.” (It is possible to give a word a quite different meaning simply by the way in which one says it. In this instance I might just as well have said ‘liars’ as ‘acquaintances’, as far as the jury were concerned).
I crossed the well of the courtroom and made my way to a point immediately to the defendant’s right, about three yards away from him. I turned to the jury to ensure I had their complete attention. I had no need, my performance held them rapt. As indeed were the public gallery and all the court officials, most of whom had admired my advocacy skills before. They were expecting something special. I didn’t let them down. I reached inside my gown and produced a tennis ball. All eyes were on me. I paused for effect, then suddenly, without warning, I cried ‘Catch’ and threw the tennis ball hard at the defendant. Although I was to his right, his left arm instinctively shot across his body and caught the ball in his left hand. I smiled pointedly, turned to the jury, swept my arm theatrically in the direction of the defendant and said, with a raised eyebrow: “Right-handed?” The jury gasped. A few of them started to applaud spontaneously, and I……stopped daydreaming and, with a sigh, got on with the conveyancing of No 32 Sycamore Road.
That’s right, I’m not a barrister, I’m a solicitor. I would have liked to have been a barrister, which is why I sometimes fantasise about it. In fact I tried for it at the outset, when embarking on a legal career, but in the end, being honest with myself, I wasn’t quite up to it.
Ninety five per cent of a solicitor’s work is deadly dull, but the other five per cent should be enough for me to make this blog an entertaining read, particularly as I have an unconventional, some would say refreshing (although not either of the Mr Nesbitts), approach to my work. For example I had a client in the other week who’d been charged with telling a doorstep double-glazing salesman to ‘F*** off you cock*******g c**t’, an offence to which he openly admitted. Most solicitors would have advised him to plead guilty, apologise profusely and throw himself on the mercy of the court.
My first inclination was to advise him to enter a plea of not guilty on the grounds that to call a double-glazing salesman a cock******g c**t is fair comment, but I could see why this defence might fail. So I suggested to my client that the reason for his outburst might be because he suffered from Tourette’s Syndrome. He asked me what that was. I explained to him, that it was a disorder that amongst other things compelled those suffered from it to utter obscenities, and further suggested to him that if he were to go to his doctor and tell him to ‘F*** off you cock******g c***’ a few times, then suggest to him that he might be doing this because he was suffering from Tourettes, then the doctor would very likely go along with that diagnosis and furnish him with a note to that effect, GPs liking an easy life as much as anyone.
That is what subsequently happened, and the case never got to court. My duty, like all solicitors, is to my client. I just sometimes go about things a little differently than your average solicitor.
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