Batter
“I’ve called to show you how to make batter,” I said to the Chinese man behind the counter at the Crispy Cod.
“Wha?”
I opened the cookery book at the ‘how to make perfect batter’ page and showed it to him. “Your batter is not up to scratch, you need to know how to make it properly.”
“Wha?”
It was my idea for Mother to do it, but she had refused point blank. Would a Chinaman drop in at our house to tell her how to make chicken chow mein, she asked? I told her he wouldn’t have to, she made an excellent chow mein, better than most Chinamen’s chow mein, whereas the Chinaman in question is about as much good at making batter as I am at synchronised knitting. She wouldn’t have it though. I can’t say I was surprised, she’s been suspicious of the Chinese ever since she did her back in doing Tai Chi.
I made efforts to get over my communications problem with the Chinese fish fryer. I put the book on the counter, pointed at the colour photo of the perfectly fried battered fish in the book, gave a big smile and smacked my lips. Then I pointed at the half dozen or so insipid-looking fish huddled together in greasy warmth in his chip range, pulled a face and held my nose.
“Wha?” he said again.
I was about to give up but at that moment a Chinaman wearing a Manchester City football shirt came in.
“I wonder if you can help me,” I said to him. “I’m trying to explain to the man behind the counter that his batter leaves a lot to be desired.”
“Kwok,” said the man, turning to the Chinaman behind the counter.”
“Wha?”
“This man say your batter is shit.”
“Fuck me! I could have said that!” I protested. “Jesus wept, I was trying to go about it a bit delicately.”
“Wha marrer with barrer? If you no like barrer fuck off you cunt.” said the Chinaman, reaching for a cleaver.
I got out of there sharpish. I know when a timely exit is called for. Driving home I reflected that if our Chinese friends were only to exhibit the same propensity for making batter as they had for learning our swear words there wouldn’t be a problem.
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